A Gambling Life

You grow up wanting everything in life: a dog a car, a job you enjoy, a family, love, and appreciation. Then when you have past the years of puppy love and teenage angst, you realize that you can’t have things the way you plan. And you may not get them at all. With two weeks before I graduate college, I took one last chance at irresponsibility and spent my savings on a cruise. So close to the end, I needed a vacation. In New York, I push past the thought process. If you work hard enough, thinking stops, emotions stand idol, and the brain sorts through anxiety and exhaustion to maintain productivity.

But on vacation, the big overwhelming questions that I have been avoiding for the past three years of my life seeped out of my pores, glistened in the sun, and could not be scrubbed clean.
Q: What do I want? What is my "plan"? What do I foresee as my future?
A: "I don’t know. To be happy"
That is the only answer that I have ever had for that question.
Q: And what would make me happy?
"Living in NY, studying film, being busy and "important" have always made me think that my personal success equals happiness. If I just keep living my life, working hard and having fun along the way, I would be happy."

This isn’t really true. I am just numb. I once thought, "Even if this stategy isn’t working for me in this moment, my dedication the "plan" will bring long term results." Like gambling. If you play the same game by the same rules, the odds will eventually be in your favor. If you lose big and keep playing, you have to be dealt a good hand at some point. The thrill seems to be worth the loss and in the end you walk away "even".

Trapped on a cruise ship with only my thoughts and emotions, I realized that such gambling is mindless. You can sit at a table chatting with the fellow next to you, smoking a cigarette, drinking some gin, and time just slips away. Which is fine, when you are in good company. But is this the way to live your life? Hoarse, drunk, and with out a clock. NO.